Ouch

This past week has been a tough one in the adoption process. We've been up for two different infants and were denied parenthood both times. I don't think people always understand how much pain is involved in this whole process. Yes, there are emotional pains. Those are the pains that happen when you don't know how to comfort your spouse, the pains that haunt you in your dreams, the pains that occur in your everyday life when you see parents who aren't treating their children with the love and respect they deserve... The physical pains are there too though: migraines, literal heartaches, an unusual obsession with the pains of even one's monthly cycle... they are directly related to this whole thing.

I'm glad we have the strength from family and friends. I would have given up hope a long time ago without their prayers and love. Someday, the right child will be placed into our arms. In the meantime, there is heartache.

Showers...

Ah, the inevitable happened... another baby shower invitation showed up in the mail today. How strange am I? I love the people in whose honor the shower is being held. (It's actually for an adoption for another couple... the husband was my husband's best man.) The thought of being around a ton of baby clothes, toys, and talk? It turns my stomach. I physically hurt when I think about going to another baby shower.

So... I have to make a decision. In all likelihood, I will send a nice gift and apologize to the guest of honor. I don't want to, but the alternative is so much worse. I have this deep-seeded fear that I will go to one and start crying. That would be so unfair to the guest of honor, but I'm so emotional these days, that I just can't trust myself and my emotions to keep them in check.

This is the second shower invite in two months... when it rains... etc., etc.

Will it ever happen for us?

Yes, I know it will. I just can't help second-guessing the whole thing and being afraid...

Hate?

Why am I wasting time on this useless emotion? There is a person at work who just is so far under my skin... she lies, interrupts others, belittles people, pits people against one another... I simply can't stand her. Looking at her literally makes my stomach churn. I know there's no sense in wasting time on this emotion... so why am I? Ugh.